My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?