All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
relationship goals
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING