Did your dog lose a tennis ball under our couch? We have like 900 of them
Ancestry dot com returned my check with a note saying every ancestor in my family was a horse thief. Every one.
Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.
I’ll be emotionally available again as soon as they find Bigfoot.
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
My stomach just growled so loudly the dog and cat formed a militia
When someone says something stupid my rump wiggles like a water buffalo getting shot by a tranquilizer dart and I walk away a few paces before collapsing on a termite hill
My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there
It’s not easy but it is possible to dance to Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas
*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week