You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
This classic never gets old . . .
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
#CatsOnTwitter
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.