Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Sign at work today
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law