Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.