Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*