Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.


Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?


Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*


Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.



Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*


Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.


Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*


Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.


Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?