Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
You Might Also Like
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.