I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”