@skedaddle74

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

@skedaddle74

I’ve been talking to my husband in nothing but eighties song lyrics this morning.

Cuz you know, “it takes two to make a thing go right”, but only one wife to drive him crazy.

@skedaddle74

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

@skedaddle74

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

@skedaddle74

me: loudly being theatrical about waking up in the morning “why doth thou sunshine brighten in my eyes at such an early hour”

my husband: just close the blinds

@skedaddle74

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

@skedaddle74

I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!

@skedaddle74

Goes to a psychic

Her: your aura is yellow a very nice softness to you, you are a very warm and loving person but when people make you angry you…

Me: PEE ON THEM!

@skedaddle74

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

@skedaddle74

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”