If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
All the answers you need in life are in that one movie your mom wouldn’t let you watch when you were seven.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.