I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Wait a second…
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
FRED: right
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.