I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.