date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.