@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

@skickwriter

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

@skickwriter

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

@skickwriter

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.