Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Why is everything so sticky?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.