Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.