him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?