@skittle624

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

@skittle624

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

@skittle624

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

@skittle624

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

@skittle624

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

@skittle624

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.

@skittle624

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@skittle624

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.