@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

@skitzoette

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

@skitzoette

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

@skitzoette

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

@skitzoette

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

@skitzoette

When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?