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Page of skitzoette's best tweets

@skitzoette : I've finally stopped drinking for good.

And I've started drinking for evil.

@skitzoette: Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.

@skitzoette: "What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"
"Hearing aids."

@skitzoette: How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

@skitzoette: As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

"I'm going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."

@skitzoette: When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?