I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
“What do we want?”
“When do we want them?”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn’t it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?