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@skitzoette : I've finally stopped drinking for good.
And I've started drinking for evil.
@skitzoette: Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
@skitzoette: Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa's 90th birthday.
@skitzoette: "What do we want?"
"When do we want them?"
@skitzoette: How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
@skitzoette: As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
"I'm going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
@skitzoette: When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?