If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.