Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Before crowbars crows drank alone
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.