[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
you will never know the true number of layers
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..