CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Goodnight 🐶
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.