Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.