Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.