WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
New comic up. “Ransom”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
my first dose meeting my second
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“I’m helping” 😅
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.