@slimmy_shady

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

@slimmy_shady

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@slimmy_shady

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

@slimmy_shady

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

@slimmy_shady

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

@slimmy_shady

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.