I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.