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@sliver_of : *hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
@sliver_of: *Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
@sliver_of: Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
@sliver_of: "No, no, I'm fine. This is how I live now."
-Me laying face down on the floor
@sliver_of: Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
@sliver_of: *licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
@sliver_of: I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
@sliver_of: “Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
@sliver_of: I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
@sliver_of: I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.