@sliver_of

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

@sliver_of

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@sliver_of

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@sliver_of

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

@sliver_of

I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.