I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys