Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water