I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts