@smedlee

If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake

@smedlee

APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
“GUNSHOT*

@smedlee

When I lose a follower, I like to pretend they were Taken, then I go to Europe and shoot absolutely everyone.

@smedlee

“No Kanye, it’s called Coney Island.”
“Kanye Island.”
“Coney Island”
“Kanye Island.”
“Co… ney.”
“Kan… ye.”

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.