You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
You Might Also Like
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.