@smhluckyme

{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.

@smhluckyme

If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?

@smhluckyme

My neighbors are really strange and funny, you should see them.

Here, I’ll let you use my binoculars.

@smhluckyme

Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?