{Him going to turn on the faucet outside}.

Me: You don’t want to do that.

Him: Sure I do (gets sprayed in the face).

Him: You could’ve told me there was a hole at the top of the hose line.

Me: No, you could have asked “why?” When I said “you don’t want to do that.


If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?


My neighbors are really strange and funny, you should see them.

Here, I’ll let you use my binoculars.


Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?

Romeo: God woman, can I just take a shit in peace?