Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
