I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”