@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@smithsara79

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

@smithsara79

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

@smithsara79

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

@smithsara79

*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

@smithsara79

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@smithsara79

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

@smithsara79

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.