The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.