You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
They grow up so quick
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait