I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Good morning
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.