You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery