The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Europe. Made in Germany.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.