I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.