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reduce, reuse, recycle
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence