Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension