Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
You Might Also Like
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
😆this is so true
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.