Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha