I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
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“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
rise and shine we got egg
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.