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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : [Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

@sofarrsogud: DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

@sofarrsogud: ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@sofarrsogud: MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

@sofarrsogud: My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

@sofarrsogud: ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

@sofarrsogud: Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

@sofarrsogud: Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

@sofarrsogud: Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@sofarrsogud: Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand...send.