6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?
ME: I do not.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.