@sofarrsogud

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

@sofarrsogud

ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@sofarrsogud

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

@sofarrsogud

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

@sofarrsogud

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

@sofarrsogud

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@sofarrsogud

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

@sofarrsogud

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

@sofarrsogud

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.