@sofarrsogud

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

@sofarrsogud

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

@sofarrsogud

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?

ME: I do not.

@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

@sofarrsogud

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

@sofarrsogud

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

@sofarrsogud

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

@sofarrsogud

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?