@sofarrsogud

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

@sofarrsogud

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

@sofarrsogud

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

@sofarrsogud

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

@sofarrsogud

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

@sofarrsogud

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?

ME: I do not.

@sofarrsogud

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.