WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?
ME: I do not.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something
[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?