@sofarrsogud : DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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@sofarrsogud: ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
@sofarrsogud: MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
@sofarrsogud: My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
@sofarrsogud: ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
@sofarrsogud: Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
@sofarrsogud: Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
@sofarrsogud: Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
@sofarrsogud: Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand...send.
@sofarrsogud: I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.