MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.