@sofarrsogud

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

@sofarrsogud

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

@sofarrsogud

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

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Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

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NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

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YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

@sofarrsogud

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

@sofarrsogud

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.