Funny Tweeter

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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

@sofarrsogud: SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH

Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe

USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks

@sofarrsogud: [Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@sofarrsogud: SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@sofarrsogud: [Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It's called Star Trek but the stars don't actually go anywhere.

@sofarrsogud: ME: I'm ok. I'm ok. It's just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@sofarrsogud: ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

@sofarrsogud: My wife carved 'I'M FINE' into a pumpkin especially for me

So she's obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff