@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
@sofarrsogud: SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
@sofarrsogud: ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
@sofarrsogud: SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
@sofarrsogud: [Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It's called Star Trek but the stars don't actually go anywhere.
@sofarrsogud: ME: I'm ok. I'm ok. It's just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
@sofarrsogud: ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
@sofarrsogud: My wife carved 'I'M FINE' into a pumpkin especially for me
So she's obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff