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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me

@sofarrsogud: HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

@sofarrsogud: My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@sofarrsogud: WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain.

ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.

@sofarrsogud: SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I'm a spy!

ME: Well if that's how you introduce yourself, you're a really shit one.

@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

@sofarrsogud: GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

@sofarrsogud: My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

@sofarrsogud: CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I'm looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.