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@sofarrsogud : My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said 'some of you won't ever need to know this' and everyone turned to look at me
@sofarrsogud: HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
@sofarrsogud: My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
@sofarrsogud: WIFE: Hurry up or we'll get caught in the rain.
ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.
@sofarrsogud: SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I'm a spy!
ME: Well if that's how you introduce yourself, you're a really shit one.
@sofarrsogud: ZOO BOSS: You're fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
@sofarrsogud: GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
@sofarrsogud: My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
@sofarrsogud: CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I'm looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
@sofarrsogud: ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.