[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.