@sofarrsogud

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@sofarrsogud

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

@sofarrsogud

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@sofarrsogud

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

@sofarrsogud

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.