My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
WIFE: Hurry up or we’ll get caught in the rain.
ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!
ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon