@sofarrsogud

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@sofarrsogud

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

@sofarrsogud

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

@sofarrsogud

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Hurry up or we’ll get caught in the rain.

ME: [sipping a pina colada] I would like that.

@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

@sofarrsogud

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

@sofarrsogud

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon