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Page of sofarrsogud's best tweets

@sofarrsogud : *makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don't answer my phone as I don't recognise the number

@sofarrsogud: ME: What's the capital of Germany?

SON: G

ME: So college is a no then?!

@sofarrsogud: BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said 'good bison'. I never saw him agai...oh, ok I see now

@sofarrsogud: ME: Thanks for all you did man. It's because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I'm a veterinarian.

@sofarrsogud: 🎶 It's raining yen. Hallelujah, it's raining yen

- Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@sofarrsogud: Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.

Now she's more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.

@sofarrsogud: *Son storms in

'DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you're to stop helping me with my homework'

@sofarrsogud: *always thought 'copulation' was the amount of police officers in a given country.

@sofarrsogud: My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

@sofarrsogud: I'M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it 'This Year'.